One of the hardest things I think I deal with is my anxiety; I always have a list of things that need-to-get-done, a list of pretty-much-needs-to-get-done, and a list of you-wish-you-could-get-these-done. All of them are important, but what they take is a lot of time and at least a little bit of energy for each thing, if not more. Well, unfortunately as the day goes on I find my energy level does okay, but then takes a terrible drop in the afternoon. By the time I get to dinner my brain is shot and my body almost unresponsive. On top of that I've only managed to get through a tiny bit of my list, (the first one), and time is running out during the day. Now throw into the mix my anxiety, which has caused plenty of problems in the past and present, and it adds a whole new level of insanity.
I am an introvert. I usually tell people that I'm an introvert that masquerades as an extravert.
For those of you that don't understand what an introvert is I would describe it as such: a person who prefers to be alone, still occasionally craves company, (which can be confusing to them), but becomes sucked dry of energy when around others. This 'sucked dry of energy' has different levels though. Level one can be as simple as being in a room or area with people. It's not too bad but can become uncomfortable over time and depending upon the noise. Level two is having to interact with a person or people. The more people we have to interact with at the same time the tougher it gets for us, especially if we are the main focus. Level three is being touched. Honestly, this is the toughest for me. For some it can be just shaking hands and they're done for the day, checking out to alone time. I can shake hands all day long and make it through. What's tough for me is being in my home with people (my children and even husband at times), constantly surrounding me, the noise level rattles my brain so terribly that I can hardly recognize my own thoughts, and the consistent need for physical attention from everyone in my family leaves me feeling on the verge of a panic attack most days. When kids go to bed I'm mostly dead, to the point of not having much time for anything but sleep. It's really tough to find joy in all that, and even tougher to find time for the things that give me energy rather than taking it away.
Now, that all probably sounds terrible to most people, definitely for those of you who can relate, and probably a bit of a scare for those who don't have kids yet. There are always people who say "you chose that life", or another one I hear "why would someone in their right mind ever choose to have kids?". I have heard people say these as if in scorn, or as if I had made a mistake and should feel guilty, or as if I was legitimately insane and not as a joke. I don't appreciate their attitudes, nor do I appreciate their judgement.
My answer to all of that, (which yes, I do have to remind myself of it from time to time), is because I want the best things in life, not just the good things, and the only way you can do that is by being part of a real family. My way of having that real family was through having my own children. There are other ways, but few outside of actual spouse, parent(s), child(children), sibling(s), aunt(s), uncle(s), grandparent(s), cousin(s), nephew(s), and niece(s).
And by the way, I have never liked children. I always dreaded the day I would become a mother, like so many young ladies out there, and it has been harder than I had been expecting, which I was expecting it to be difficult already. Even now, though I love my children, I still don't like young kids. I'm just not that kind of person. But what I do love is family.
I remember growing up in our rough and tumbly family with parents who loved us and all the amazing adventures, good traditions, and beautiful memories that occurred within that family. As adults I look at my siblings now and, though we might differ in opinions in a variety of areas, there is a loyalty and caring deep down that I have never found in any friendship, though I loved and cared about each one of my friends as if they were a sibling. Those relationships within a family, especially if they are cultivated and watched over consistently, cannot be replaced. I also believe it is the same for parent to child, whether born or adopted into the family. There is so much trust, such deep binding cords of love and a desire to be with that parent or sibling, that when those bonds are snapped, or that trust and loyalty broken, it can hurt more than anything else. I have also encountered something within the family that I rarely see outside of it; a desire to be complete, healthy, and whole, even when things are bad, grudges held, and feelings hurt. More often avoidance is used, but few would say they don't want their family member(s) if they could all get along, forgive, and moved forward united and happy.
There are life lessons I gain from having my children, more often then not those of how to manage my time, energy, and anxiety better. I would never have the appreciation for my art and time for it as I do today, or the appreciation for the outdoors, of silence, or of happy children rather than miserable children unless I had my kids today. I look for special moments now, where I see thoughts click into place and a lesson learned in the eyes of my children, or a new passion develop and I can watch it all unfold. For some reason, knowing that I bring peace and a feeling of safety to my children when I hold them brings great satisfaction and joy in my heart. I would never have felt that way without them, nor would I have understood how strong I truly could be in the face of adversity. I know all of this because I have faced difficult things in the past, I have been through trials, and none were as difficult as being a good mother. Not even my mission to Brazil for my church for a year and a half. Nothing compares to creating and raising a family. Nothing. It is a labor of love, a test of endurance, and the best way to find your strengths and weaknesses, then progress. And no, animals do not replace children. I love animals, have almost always had them in my life, have felt very deeply for some of them. You think they replace healthy human relationships, but they don't. You don't realize what you are missing until you finally have it in your life. I will always love animals, they will always have a special place in my heart, and I don't feel like my family is complete without a few in our home, but without the rest of my family, they are just companions to make the void not hurt as much. Please forgive me if it hurts, or if you are angry and disagree, but this is my experience in life, and I try to live realistically rather than hide feelings, thoughts, fear, or pain under personalized lies. My animals could never replace or fill the space of one of my children. However, it doesn't mean they are not special and cannot bring joy to a person's life, or that children are healthy for ever person, simply that I do not like people comparing their animals to a spouse or child(ren). It is not the same. Let animals be in their own special place and people in theirs rather than filling one's space with the other.
In the end, I've found that by setting aside my to-do lists, even if it is something important, and finding time to simply be, helps my energy level stay more balanced, and taking personal time is necessary above almost everything else. If I don't take personal time for things that refill my soul then my ability to help my family, see to their needs, and to anything else in general drops to a trickle, my anxiety gets the better of me, my temper flares up often, I can't focus on important things, I can't find joy in life, and in general I'm constantly miserable and depressed. Personal time is key to all other things being good for me. I cannot let myself become a robot for the sake of other's when what they really need is their wife and mother. I am a person; I have personal desires, personal goals, personal passions, personal loves, and personal trials, and all of those things must be attended, which is not always possible with family around. My anxiety is under control and does not interfere with the best things of life when I see to my personal needs as well.
So, honestly, there never is enough time or energy for me to get to everything, and there never will be I guess. Perhaps what is more important is to remember the few most important things, and make sure you and they make it through each day. My husband, my children, my eternal progression and relationship with God, and of course, myself. Everything else can just wait it's turn. (THAT MEANS YOU DISHES AND LAUNDRY!)
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